"Living Out Loud....."

January 1 is upon us - boy did the past year fly by - and so begins the dawn of a brand new year filled with endless possibilities.

As usual I will not be setting any New Year's Resolutions for myself, I have always felt they put too much pressure on the resolvee and when they are not accomplished one tends to feel like a failure. That (to my way of thinking) is no way to live ones life, always worried that they are falling short and not living up to unreal expectations they have imposed upon themselves. Instead I usually write a bit of a wish list..... nothing like one writes at Christmas, filled with the presents they would like to receive, but one with the things I would like to see happen for me during the next year.

For me 2009 started out on an excellent track around mid-summer 2008, when I made a major life changing decision to leave Robert and the abuse and control I had lived under for 5 years. During those years I seemed to have lost my voice -metaphorically speaking - and my enthusiasm and gusto for life dwindled. I had been shuffling about, quietly, in his shadow and it seemed I had all but disappeared. When I left I took a huge step back into the sunshine and began to find myself again. I started doing the things I loved again, got involved with the local theater, my health has improved, and I have a job I love and look forward to going to. I finally took back the control on Christmas Eve when I told him I didn't want to see him again.

Now, as I enter 2009, I am going to continue "Living Out Loud" (to quote one of my favorite songs). Standing by in the shadows has never been for me. I was born to be in the spot light, to be in control of my own destiny, and to make my mark on the world. It may not happen tomorrow, but I know it will happen for me because I believe it and I'll never give up.

My wish list this year is simple: Live everyday Out Loud.....

"I'm tired of living in this bubble So today I'm changing everything Well, my dream's been buried in the rubble It's time to set it free No more keeping quiet this life inside of me

I'm gonna start living out loud My soul's been dying To scream and shout And shatter the silence It's a beautiful sound when each moment counts Starting right now, I'm gonna start living out loud Oh, yeah

Well, I'm not breaking any new ground And I didn't reinvent the wheel I'm just a (girl) who finally figured out What (she) really needs So I'm turning up the volume of this song inside of me

Gonna start living out loud My soul's been dying To scream and shout And shatter the silence It's a beautiful sound when each moment counts Right here, right now I'm gonna start living out loud All my demons, I have fought 'em Inhibitions, I have lost 'em It wasn't easy, but I taught 'em To just get out of my way And now, every breath I'm breathing, The air is so much sweeter Now that my heart has finally found a way To start living out loud My soul's been dying To scream and shout And shatter the silence It's a beautiful sound, when each moment counts Right here, right now I'm gonna start living out loud My soul's been dying To scream and shout And shatter the silence It's a beautiful sound, when each moment counts Right here and now I'm gonna start living out loud Living out loud Living out loud".....(Aaron Lines).

I wish the same for everyone, be happy, and make every moment count!!!

The Ghost of Christmas Past......

The whirlwind hustle bustle of another Christmas season has come and gone and now is the time to reflect and prepare for the New Year ahead.

This Christmas was rather different for me. I had a bit of a difficult time getting into the Christmas Spirit, I felt like I was dragging.... procrastinating (more than I usually do). Now looking back. a few days later, I think maybe a part of me was trying to hold on to the past. This was the first Christmas in 5 years that I've been single and even though the relationship was very unhealthy a part of me was sad that I am no longer "we". I was bound and determined that things were going to end well and we'd stay friends, but he has seen to it that that is completely impossible. So I kept trying to do all the things I had planned for Christmas; baking, card making, present making, shopping, etc, and it never got completely done. As usual I was staying up late and running around last minute trying to do it all. Then I finally decided "it all" wasn't going to get done. I'd do what I could and that would have to do.....and surprisingly it did!!

On Christmas Eve I had planned on finishing a couple of things, after work, before heading to Raymond. But my plans got drastically changed. Near the end of my day Robert decided to show up at the bank - at first he was all smiles and everything until I reminded him he was no longer part of my life and would not be coming with me to Raymond (duh!), then he started threatening me. I remained calm and told him to leave, but inside he had rattled me. In retrospect I'm glad this happened. It scared me enough to know that he can turn his emotions on and off like a light switch. It shook me up enough to know that I could never retain any kind of relationship with him because the only thing he wants is complete control. And it made me realize that I am strong enough to make it on my own.

So, I went to Raymond for Christmas and had a great time as just me, proud of myself for not giving in and knowing that what is most important are Christmas present and the Christmas' yet to come, being with my family, and most of all being with me.... the real me (someone I happen to like and admire a lot).

Life, Is But A Fleeting Moment

A dear friend of mine passed away on Thursday, very suddenly, from a massive heart attack. She was only 56. Her husband, (one of my very best friends) was left to pick up the pieces and carry on. I had been out of contact with my friends for about 2 1/2 years, due to circumstances somewhat out of my control. Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with them this past summer and make amends. I was also able to go to Calgary and spend a weekend with them during August. It may not seem like much, especially after all that time, but I'm really glad I was able to take that step and rekindle a friendship that was very special and important to me.

This has also reconfirmed my belief that life is short and every moment counts. When we don't take the time to remember those who are important to us they may be gone and we won't be able to get that time back.

So, stop and smell the roses whenever you can. Don't be in such a hurry to get where you're going, it'll still be there when you get there. Don't sweat the small stuff. Take every opportunity to tell those you care about how you feel. Remember to help those around you and do what you can to leave this world a better place than you found it. And always follow your dreams, no matter how out of reach they may seem.

If I had the opportunity to say any final words to Dale, I would have thanked her for her friendship, her unconditional love, her kind and giving spirit. I would have told her what a difference she made in many people's lives. I would have commended her for her bravery in dealing with the illnesses she had and the treatments she endured.

I pray that those left behind will be comforted and know that she is now in a better place, free from the pain she dealt with daily. She's been reunited with her parents and she can rest in peace.

"Oh, The Weather Outside Is Frightful".....

Ok, "frightful" might be a bit strong but it has been yucky out there. Although, it is Nov. 5 and we are just now getting hit with the white stuff, I guess it could be worse.

When I got home from work this morning my upstairs neighbors were on their front steps marvelling at the winter wonderland they had woken up to. They just moved here this summer from Australia and this is the first time they had ever seen snow! It was really quite interesting to see it from their point of view. Tuie kept saying how beautiful it was as she held out her hand to catch the falling flakes that were big and fluffy at that point. She and her husband and son had been up early that morning to play in the snow, as evidenced by the miniature snowman sitting in the middle of the front lawn. I scoffed when I heard her gush about how beautiful she thought it was, and I made some comments about how it wasn't too bad now but wait until it gets colder, (they didn't realize that it can and will get much colder.)

Then I stopped my disparaging remarks for a moment and looked at the blanket of white that lay cold and frozen over the lawns and trees in the neighborhood. I thought what it must be like for this family in a new country, experiencing things for the first time. And I realized it was beautiful, very beautiful in fact. I'm still not a big fan of snow or cold, but it reminded me that if you try you can always find beauty and wonder in everything around you. You may not like what you see or experience, but you can find a way to appreciate it.

I guess it's that eternal, or terminal as some people would say, optimism that has always kept me going. But even sometimes I lose sight of the "glass is half full" mentallity and need a little something (a brick or a brick wall to fall on my head) to remind me that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

All Hallows Night

Two posts from me in a matter of days is a scary thing, I know. But, with Halloween on our doorstep, I was feeling inspired. I'm glad that Tisha is a regular reader of my blog. It makes me happy that you find your old Auntie's ramblings worth a few moments of your time. I am a bit sad though, that no one else has discovered how entertaining those ramblings can be. At any rate, I'm happy to have one fan (whom I happen to be a big fan of in return).

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a poem in my mind and spent the rest of the day (while I was bored silly at work) writing the rest of it......hope you like it.

'Twas All Hallows Night
and the air was chill.
All the creatures of fright
roamed the streets at will.

Blood curdling screams
rang through the town,
as from putrid graves
undead rose from the ground.

The slow creak of a door
sliced through the air.
But, when I spun 'round
no body was there.

Then out went the lights
with a deafening click.
I sank right to my knees,
my stomach felt sick.

All around me went quiet
and I could see only black.
I tried, in vain, to scream
but there was a hand 'round my neck.

Life was about to end
of this I was certain,
for the next thing I knew
I was trapped in a coffin.

I kicked and I shouted.
"Let me out, let me out!"
no one could hear me,
it seemed no one was about.

This is ti, it's all over.
I was about to pass out from fright.
When someone cried, lifting the lid,
"Come join the party, it's Halloween Night!!"

Happy Halloween

"God Bless The Broken Road".....

Is one of my all time favorite songs, in fact I was planning on using it as wedding march for my wedding (who knows, maybe some day I will).

I was reading Tisha's latest blog, empathizing with her feelings of failure and frustration at having to continually change plans despite hard work and best intentions, when this song came to mind. I know, I seem to have a song for every occasion and situation...... what can I tell you, it's my life. Anyway, the thought occurred to me that the message in this song can be applied to all kinds of situations other than finding your one and only.

Most of us, at one time or another, have had to take a detour or two on the way to accomplishing a goal or dream. For some of us the entire way has been a series of detours and "Broken Roads" and we are still not where we want to be. But life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. As long as we continue forward on the journey we are successful. One only fails when one no longer tries. I, myself, have several dreams I have been trying to realize for most of my life, (those of you who know me will know what they are). And a lot of people would say that the chances of having those dreams come true at my age are slim to nil and slim has left town, but I'm just stubborn and optimistic enough to continue to believe and to continue to work at it. Sure some days it's harder than others, but there have been a lot of late bloomers throughout history.

So I guess the thought for today would be NEVER GIVE UP. I suppose I could also insert several cliches here, but I won't bore anyone with that. I will however end with a line from the movie Cool Runnings, a truly inspirational movie about never giving up on your dreams and persevering no matter how rough the road becomes...... "Peace be the journey."

"Where Does My Heart Beat Now?"

I have recently gone through a life altering change. My relationship of 5 years has ended. The past few months have been rather difficult to say the least. I've had to go back to work (despite health problems), I've had to find a place to live, and I've had to wrap my head around the fact that at 41 I am once again single. My family (and his) have been incredibly supportive and helpful, still, even though I know this was the right thing to do it doesn't really take away the sting of a broken heart.

When everything you've believed in, worked hard for, and lived for comes crashing down around you it can be difficult to see why it's for the best.

Anyone who knows me will attest that music and singing (along with acting and writing) are a huge part of my life, so I've spent the past few months compiling a list of songs that have helped me through this trying time. Some of the songs have caused me to have a good cry, some have made me angry, some have made me laugh, but they have all been very significant to me in some way. The next intended step in my "Music Therapy" is to scrapbook (another of my undying passions) these songs. My list is pretty long so it might take several books to hold it all, but I'm hoping that it will help me get some closure and the insipration to move on.

My heart will always be on the look out for a home, but until it finds one I will echo the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor ......."I will survive!"