The Ghost of Christmas Past......

The whirlwind hustle bustle of another Christmas season has come and gone and now is the time to reflect and prepare for the New Year ahead.

This Christmas was rather different for me. I had a bit of a difficult time getting into the Christmas Spirit, I felt like I was dragging.... procrastinating (more than I usually do). Now looking back. a few days later, I think maybe a part of me was trying to hold on to the past. This was the first Christmas in 5 years that I've been single and even though the relationship was very unhealthy a part of me was sad that I am no longer "we". I was bound and determined that things were going to end well and we'd stay friends, but he has seen to it that that is completely impossible. So I kept trying to do all the things I had planned for Christmas; baking, card making, present making, shopping, etc, and it never got completely done. As usual I was staying up late and running around last minute trying to do it all. Then I finally decided "it all" wasn't going to get done. I'd do what I could and that would have to do.....and surprisingly it did!!

On Christmas Eve I had planned on finishing a couple of things, after work, before heading to Raymond. But my plans got drastically changed. Near the end of my day Robert decided to show up at the bank - at first he was all smiles and everything until I reminded him he was no longer part of my life and would not be coming with me to Raymond (duh!), then he started threatening me. I remained calm and told him to leave, but inside he had rattled me. In retrospect I'm glad this happened. It scared me enough to know that he can turn his emotions on and off like a light switch. It shook me up enough to know that I could never retain any kind of relationship with him because the only thing he wants is complete control. And it made me realize that I am strong enough to make it on my own.

So, I went to Raymond for Christmas and had a great time as just me, proud of myself for not giving in and knowing that what is most important are Christmas present and the Christmas' yet to come, being with my family, and most of all being with me.... the real me (someone I happen to like and admire a lot).

Life, Is But A Fleeting Moment

A dear friend of mine passed away on Thursday, very suddenly, from a massive heart attack. She was only 56. Her husband, (one of my very best friends) was left to pick up the pieces and carry on. I had been out of contact with my friends for about 2 1/2 years, due to circumstances somewhat out of my control. Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with them this past summer and make amends. I was also able to go to Calgary and spend a weekend with them during August. It may not seem like much, especially after all that time, but I'm really glad I was able to take that step and rekindle a friendship that was very special and important to me.

This has also reconfirmed my belief that life is short and every moment counts. When we don't take the time to remember those who are important to us they may be gone and we won't be able to get that time back.

So, stop and smell the roses whenever you can. Don't be in such a hurry to get where you're going, it'll still be there when you get there. Don't sweat the small stuff. Take every opportunity to tell those you care about how you feel. Remember to help those around you and do what you can to leave this world a better place than you found it. And always follow your dreams, no matter how out of reach they may seem.

If I had the opportunity to say any final words to Dale, I would have thanked her for her friendship, her unconditional love, her kind and giving spirit. I would have told her what a difference she made in many people's lives. I would have commended her for her bravery in dealing with the illnesses she had and the treatments she endured.

I pray that those left behind will be comforted and know that she is now in a better place, free from the pain she dealt with daily. She's been reunited with her parents and she can rest in peace.

"Oh, The Weather Outside Is Frightful".....

Ok, "frightful" might be a bit strong but it has been yucky out there. Although, it is Nov. 5 and we are just now getting hit with the white stuff, I guess it could be worse.

When I got home from work this morning my upstairs neighbors were on their front steps marvelling at the winter wonderland they had woken up to. They just moved here this summer from Australia and this is the first time they had ever seen snow! It was really quite interesting to see it from their point of view. Tuie kept saying how beautiful it was as she held out her hand to catch the falling flakes that were big and fluffy at that point. She and her husband and son had been up early that morning to play in the snow, as evidenced by the miniature snowman sitting in the middle of the front lawn. I scoffed when I heard her gush about how beautiful she thought it was, and I made some comments about how it wasn't too bad now but wait until it gets colder, (they didn't realize that it can and will get much colder.)

Then I stopped my disparaging remarks for a moment and looked at the blanket of white that lay cold and frozen over the lawns and trees in the neighborhood. I thought what it must be like for this family in a new country, experiencing things for the first time. And I realized it was beautiful, very beautiful in fact. I'm still not a big fan of snow or cold, but it reminded me that if you try you can always find beauty and wonder in everything around you. You may not like what you see or experience, but you can find a way to appreciate it.

I guess it's that eternal, or terminal as some people would say, optimism that has always kept me going. But even sometimes I lose sight of the "glass is half full" mentallity and need a little something (a brick or a brick wall to fall on my head) to remind me that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

All Hallows Night

Two posts from me in a matter of days is a scary thing, I know. But, with Halloween on our doorstep, I was feeling inspired. I'm glad that Tisha is a regular reader of my blog. It makes me happy that you find your old Auntie's ramblings worth a few moments of your time. I am a bit sad though, that no one else has discovered how entertaining those ramblings can be. At any rate, I'm happy to have one fan (whom I happen to be a big fan of in return).

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a poem in my mind and spent the rest of the day (while I was bored silly at work) writing the rest of it......hope you like it.

'Twas All Hallows Night
and the air was chill.
All the creatures of fright
roamed the streets at will.

Blood curdling screams
rang through the town,
as from putrid graves
undead rose from the ground.

The slow creak of a door
sliced through the air.
But, when I spun 'round
no body was there.

Then out went the lights
with a deafening click.
I sank right to my knees,
my stomach felt sick.

All around me went quiet
and I could see only black.
I tried, in vain, to scream
but there was a hand 'round my neck.

Life was about to end
of this I was certain,
for the next thing I knew
I was trapped in a coffin.

I kicked and I shouted.
"Let me out, let me out!"
no one could hear me,
it seemed no one was about.

This is ti, it's all over.
I was about to pass out from fright.
When someone cried, lifting the lid,
"Come join the party, it's Halloween Night!!"

Happy Halloween

"God Bless The Broken Road".....

Is one of my all time favorite songs, in fact I was planning on using it as wedding march for my wedding (who knows, maybe some day I will).

I was reading Tisha's latest blog, empathizing with her feelings of failure and frustration at having to continually change plans despite hard work and best intentions, when this song came to mind. I know, I seem to have a song for every occasion and situation...... what can I tell you, it's my life. Anyway, the thought occurred to me that the message in this song can be applied to all kinds of situations other than finding your one and only.

Most of us, at one time or another, have had to take a detour or two on the way to accomplishing a goal or dream. For some of us the entire way has been a series of detours and "Broken Roads" and we are still not where we want to be. But life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. As long as we continue forward on the journey we are successful. One only fails when one no longer tries. I, myself, have several dreams I have been trying to realize for most of my life, (those of you who know me will know what they are). And a lot of people would say that the chances of having those dreams come true at my age are slim to nil and slim has left town, but I'm just stubborn and optimistic enough to continue to believe and to continue to work at it. Sure some days it's harder than others, but there have been a lot of late bloomers throughout history.

So I guess the thought for today would be NEVER GIVE UP. I suppose I could also insert several cliches here, but I won't bore anyone with that. I will however end with a line from the movie Cool Runnings, a truly inspirational movie about never giving up on your dreams and persevering no matter how rough the road becomes...... "Peace be the journey."

"Where Does My Heart Beat Now?"

I have recently gone through a life altering change. My relationship of 5 years has ended. The past few months have been rather difficult to say the least. I've had to go back to work (despite health problems), I've had to find a place to live, and I've had to wrap my head around the fact that at 41 I am once again single. My family (and his) have been incredibly supportive and helpful, still, even though I know this was the right thing to do it doesn't really take away the sting of a broken heart.

When everything you've believed in, worked hard for, and lived for comes crashing down around you it can be difficult to see why it's for the best.

Anyone who knows me will attest that music and singing (along with acting and writing) are a huge part of my life, so I've spent the past few months compiling a list of songs that have helped me through this trying time. Some of the songs have caused me to have a good cry, some have made me angry, some have made me laugh, but they have all been very significant to me in some way. The next intended step in my "Music Therapy" is to scrapbook (another of my undying passions) these songs. My list is pretty long so it might take several books to hold it all, but I'm hoping that it will help me get some closure and the insipration to move on.

My heart will always be on the look out for a home, but until it finds one I will echo the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor ......."I will survive!"

Be Happy, So Long As You Have Breath

I've been feeling less than inspired lately and in a general state of yuckyness (is that a word? I don't know but that's how I've been feeling.) So much so that it's been difficult to do much of anything, especially anything creative. I've logged on to my blog several times with full intentions of writing something, anything. It didn't even matter if it wasn't a masterpiece just so long as it had words that at least made a bit of sense. But, I couldn't even muster a simple sentence. Instead I would just log off thinking I'd try later. We all know later never comes.

Not only have I been neglecting my blog, but I've slacked on everything else too; scrapbooking, card making, writing my screenplays and my novel. I recently had major surgery and I had thought that I would get so much writing accomplished while I recuperated. Ha! It's been a month and nothing. I really feel bad that I've wasted so much time and that has made me really unhappy, which in turn leads to feeling uninspired.

Today I had the opportunity to audition for a musical, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (one of my all time faves). People think I'm nuts (you know who you are, and well it's not that far from the truth) because I love to audition almost as much as I love being in a production. Most people get all tense and uptight during an audition, but for me it's another chance to perform. That is when I come alive and I did feel more alive, on that stage with everyone watching. Now I'm feeling like I'm back on the road to inspiration. I'm excited to get something accomplished, hence the long blog. Just doing something even if it seems insignificant is better than nothing.

During the drive home I remembered something that I've always known but often push to the back of my mind. I am responsible for my own happiness, for the feelings I allow myself feel (or talk myself into feeling.) And so is everyone else. A lot of times I find I talk myself into feeling down or unhappy or angry - I have a great imagination and I can conjure up all kinds of things to alter my mood - so why don't I talk myself into being happy more often? It's odd but sometimes we would rather spend our time being in a bad mood when it takes so much less energy to be in a good mood, and it's better for us. Go figure.

We buy this green tea that has little sayings on tab. Some of them a kind of corny but there are some really good ones. Last night I made a cup and the saying was "Be happy so long as you have breath." To be is a verb, which implies action, so to BE happy means you have to DO something to invoke that feeling. You have to act on it even if you have to act like it. If you're not happy now if you act as if you are chances are you soon will be. So I made up my mind that I am going to try to be happy even if I have to fake it 'til I make. And maybe if I'm happier I'll feel more inspired. Who knows, maybe I'll inspire others along the way. It could happen.

All You Need Is Love

Life has been rather hectic the past couple of months. My youngest niece informed us she was getting married and we had six weeks to pull it off. So we worked our tails off, had a few disagreements (not with me, but between her and her sister - who was doing the majority of the work), a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of fun, and last Saturday we had a beautiful wedding.

There were some who doubted she should be getting married (again not me) since they had only been dating a couple of months, and they are from very different cultures - he is from Nigeria - but love is love and when it's right, it's right. Love is timeless, love is color blind, love is universal, but love isn't easy. However, anything worth having is worth working hard for.

I guess you could say I'm a romantic, a hopeful romantic. I believe that no matter what love conquers all. If you let love guide you can get through anything, whether it's your love life, personal life, family life, or career. I know it sounds very simplistic and idealistic, but it seems to work for me. That's not to say that I walk around with rose colored glasses on or anything, I just believe it's easier to get through the good and the bad when you put the ones you love(including yourself) first.

Love is the stuff dreams are made of, and without are dreams what are we?

Look at the amount of "love stories" that are produced by Hollywood, and how many people flock to them. We all want to love and to be loved in return. The poor and the rich alike. It's one thing we all have in common. It's a basic need like food, water, air.

Sure it was risky for my niece and her new husband to "take the plunge" after such a short courtship, but as I watched them the past six weeks and especially during the wedding I saw the love in their eyes, I saw forever in their eyes. If they remember and hold on to that then forever is definitely within their grasp.

When all is said and done, when all the poets have submitted their prose and rhymes, when all the philosophers have weighed in, and the critics have had their say, no one not even Shakespeare himself could have said it any better than John, Paul, George, and Ringo....

Truly, "All You Need IS Love."

Out With The Old, In With The New

Another year has come and gone and we are all another year older, and hopefully wiser.
Most people start the new year off with a list of resolutions and good intentions. I used to be one of them. But every year my resolutions and good intentions would only last so long and I would get frustrated with myself. So, a few years ago I resolved not to make any resolutions and finally found something I could stick to.

Don't get me wrong, I still have goals and dreams and aspirations. I just don't box myself into the yearly time frame. I believe if you do something every day towards your goals then you are successful. Even if it's the absolute least thing you can do you've still accomplished something. Some days are better than others, make the most of them and do what you can.

Even though I don't make resolutions, I still want to better myself and my world around me. And since I have been so sick with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) I have been more commited to trying to live a greener life. We've been using non-toxic cleaning supplies and personal care items for over a year now and we try to buy as many organic products as possible, but there are still many more ways to improve. I posted a blog that I visited today "Living In A Toxic World" hoping that anyone who visits my site will also visit this site and find out more of what they can do to leave a smaller foot print on the world. Another interesting place to visit would be Oprah's web site she did an excellent show last week on green living. Even the smallest things can make a big difference.

I hope the New Year is good to us all and that we will have the things we need and want. Mostly I wish health and happiness to those I hold dear. Make the most of the time we have with our loved ones and remember fondly those who are no longer with us.

Living In A Toxic World: Toxic Body

Living In A Toxic World: Toxic Body